this sad day

Thank you to those of you who are able to express sadness and loss on this day, without oppressing others in turn.

This day is sad in so many ways, but my heart aches the most for the hate that has too often replaced authentic grief. I am devastated by how many of today's newscasts, headlines, and status updates contain racism, islamophobia, and hateful nationalism.

I deeply resent the fact that people (including myself) are labeled as un-American or un-patriotic when they express feelings or beliefs about this country's flaws. Ultimately, everything is flawed, but this country is my context and is therefore the main site of my dissent and my struggle for justice. I work to understand the many ways in which I have unearned privilege, and with it I share my beliefs and engage in activism with some degree of safety and freedom. I am aware that not everyone has this privilege. Some have said this should make me proud to be an American. It makes me angry. Safety and freedom should not be left to a bet that is won or lost based on geographical or social location of birth. Safety and freedom should not be stolen or purchased at the expense of any other community’s safety or freedom.

It is because I believe in the ability of humans to love that I am critical of our ability to hate.

This is where my mind is today: 1700% Project: Mistaken for Muslim. Kudos to artist Anida Yoeu Ali and filmmaker Masahiro Sugano for this piece, which includes portraits of American Muslims in Chicago, people who refuse to end in violence. (Thanks to my brother for sharing this back in June).

Also, check out The 1700% Project.
The number 1700% refers to the exponential percentage increase of hate crimes against Arabs, Muslims and those perceived to be Arab or Muslim since the events of September 11, 2001.

I hope we can grieve and mourn today, but ultimately love one another and embrace our humanity. We do terrible things when we are motivated by hate and fear. We can do great things when we are motivated by love.

fragility

I feel so fragile, sometimes.

I start to write, here or somewhere else, about LGBTQ rights, or public health, or social justice, and then I think: how do I do justice to this concept I am passionate about without alienating people I care about, or burning myself out, or opening myself up to arguments that I feel too vulnerable to engage in? So then I don't write, and then I silently curse myself for being so fragile.

These are conversations I engage in at school, at work, and in my life, but for some reason writing them down always seems scary. Partially because in person I can stumble my way through a conversation with some degree of grace and ability to articulate, but in writing the words always seem locked down, too permanent. Also, people can be mean in writing (and on the internet). People can be mean in person, too, but the words don't linger with the same harshness and permanence.

So then I don't write at all, and it makes me feel like there are pieces of me floating around that need to be written down and aren't, so maybe they float away and I lose them completely, or maybe they bounce around inside me creating little internal bruises until I'm too tired to do the work I love, or to love the people in my life they way they deserve to be loved. And I feel like some of the people who aren't in my daily life, but are nonetheless important to me, don't really know me at all because I'm too fragile to put myself out there.


And then I think: I'm alive, and I'm living a life I love, and I'm doing work I'm passionate about, and I have amazing friends, family, and chosen/created family. So maybe I'm not as fragile as I think I am. Or maybe being fragile isn't such a bad thing. I just need to find balance.

2010 in a nutshell

2010. Several new lives came into the world and some lovely folks left it too soon. I connected with amazing people and feel proud to be in public health. I missed friends and made new ones. I married the love of my life in the presence of our friends and family. I finally have power over my depression instead of it having power over me. I'm hoping for a 2011 full of just as much joy and a little less sorrow.

Perhaps next year I'll get motivated and update my blog more than twice in twelve months :)

Love to you all.

RIP Albert Cobarrubias

A fellow activist and SJSU graduate was murdered this weekend.

San Jose: Victim in fatal shooting was SJSU grad, aspired to be lawyer

Here is my comment from the article in the Mercury News... some of the other comments were sad but not surprising responses to his murder. We have a lot of work to do, people.

"Albert was a kind man and a passionate, loving member of his community.
The sad part about these comments is that they highlight exactly the kind of ideologies Albert was fighting to change. It seems that people are so quick to denounce an entire neighborhood or an entire group of people, rather than look at the systems that exist to create and perpetuate these inequalities. Albert understood this and was working to fight the systems and create real change, rather than lashing out in anger or ignorance against individuals or communities.
I am honored to have met him and worked with him as a student activist at SJSU and as a member of the San Jose community. I hope we can be inspired to carry on his work and continue the fights that are important to us.
RIP Albert. You were admired and you are remembered with love."

Thanksgiving and my 24th

Happy Thanksgiving!

It has been wonderful hearing about everyone's Thanksgivings and seeing photos of all the gatherings. Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday, mostly because it involves two of my favorite things: food and people!

This Thanksgiving happened to coincide with my birthday, so Asher's family celebrated with me and made me the center of attention for a little bit before the meal. (Being the center of attention makes me SO uncomfortable, but they are incredible people and didn't make me feel more awkward than I usually do on my birthday.)

Asher conspired with several of my friends as well as Amy, his mom, to give me the best birthday present(s) ever! Frida Kahlo is my favorite artist, and he had everybody pitch in to get me this:

It's an oil-paint recreation of Las Dos Fridas, my favorite Frida piece.

In addition, he had each person or couple who contributed to the gift create their own, "Frida-inspired" artwork:

They are all different, beautiful, and so perfect for each of the artists :) As you can see, a couple of the pieces are still in the process of creation. I'll post updated photos when it is complete!

He rounded out the Frida theme with a book of Frida's illustrated diary, complete with translations and commentary. This is me opening the book, already overwhelmed by the amazingness of all these gifts.


After the presents, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the Moody and Martinez families, complete with... OLIVE FINGERS! (In honor of my Mama... to make sure it still felt like my childhood Thanksgivings.)


We had an amazing day, and it was wonderful to see Amy's sister, Margaret, and her family. They are always a house full of fun. Margaret's cancer is in remission (hooray!) and her hair is beginning to grow back. This was my second Thanksgiving with all of them and I'm so thankful to be a part of this family.


The next day, we went out for some San Francisco adventures (carefully avoiding anywhere people go to buy stuff, yikes!).

First, we had breakfast at Tartine Bakery & Cafe, my favorite bakery in San Francisco, right by Dolores Park. Here's the crew:

It was so good to see Joe! We've hardly seen each other since he moved back to the city. We need to work on that... Also wonderful to have our friend Sam and Kevin (Asher's brother) with us.

Asher and me at Dolores Park:


After breakfast, we attempted a visit to the California Academy of Sciences. We took one look at the lines, however, and decided to spend the day wandering around San Francisco instead. We met up with Sam's friend, Allyson, and went for an adventure. We took photos on top of Twin Peaks, where we may or may not have contributed to the extinction of a rare butterfly species. Seriously, we didn't see the signs. We are WAY sorry. Won't happen again. This is us shaming Sam because she missed the sign (not sure how she landed the blame for this one):


All in all, it was a wonderful couple of days. Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday wonderful by sending cards and facebook messages and emails. I am so thankful for my friends and family.

I'm incredibly thankful for this guy:


Love to you all,
Elaine

bumps in the road

i'm feeling a little run down lately. i'm doing well at work, at school, and at other work, but i'm tired. i'm tired because, well, i have work, school, and other work. see how that is too many things? i know, mama, i know. i am predictable with the over-committing. :)

for once i have managed to avoid completely overwhelming myself. i'm handling everything and it's fine but i could definitely use a few more hours in my day. hours to get stuff done or study or sit and look at my future husband and just appreciate life.

other days, like yesterday, i want the day to end at 6pm. 6pm so i can just go home and go to bed as soon as it is dark outside. asher was having a tough day too, so we were happy to go home to santa cruz and spend a few more hours working and studying until we collapsed. we stopped at our favorite indian restaurant to pick up some food and then headed home. we were stopped at a red light when asher looked in the rear-view mirror and made a noise like, "aahhhhh...."

as in, "aahhhh... that person is NOT stopping". and then, BOOM! we got rear-ended. it was one of those confusing moments where i wasn't quite sure what had happened but i knew it was something i was not excited about.

oh wait, did i mention the truck broke down last month, so we have been driving the little tiny car?

oh wait, did i also mention that the little tiny car needed work done so we left it in asher's mom's garage and borrowed *her* little tiny car? the cute, fancy one?

yeah. we got rear-ended in asher's mom's car. :(

the woman who hit us was really nice and apologetic and had just finished working a 12 hour shift. as a doctor. at a women's health clinic in downtown santa cruz. naturally, she was adorable. we were very nice to each other and exchanged information and went on with our lives. everyone was ok except the cars but that's why we all have insurance, right?


i can't help but feel like it was a glimpse into some alternate future of myself. for so much of my life i pictured my future as her life. i wanted so much to be a doctor in a women's health clinic in a place like santa cruz. i wanted to work long days until i was exhausted because i thought it was the only way i would find peace and be fulfilled. and i think it's just beginning to dawn on me that my future might be different. i'm not sure what it will be, but it isn't narrowed down to just that option. i have so many different things i can do, so many different ways i can be myself without basing who i am on a job title.

who knows, i may still end up as an exhausted doctor in a women's health clinic. i would be honored. but at least i'll have gotten there by exploring who i am and figuring out what i really want in this world.

until then, life continues to be an adventure.

music and writing

hm... writing is difficult. i seem to have forgotten how to do it. i can write you a lovely scholarly paper in APA format. that i can do. i'm even taking an incredibly tedious course to improve my ability to do just that. i know *everything* about levels of headings. just ask. (or don't). and i can cite references with the best of 'em.

writing about myself, however, is much more difficult. i'm not sure where that place is. that place where i'm not treating this blog like a therapist, or a journal, or a friend, but rather a combination of all of those things, and none of those things. a place where i write when i'm confused, or intrigued, or excited, and not just when i'm depressed.

well, it's a work in progress.

i think music will help. i had forgotten about music, for a while. it's around me. it plays in cars and supermarkets and the occasional awkward elevator. the kids at work play pop culture mash-ups at ear splitting volumes (i never thought i'd feel so OLD at 23). i stopped listening to *my* music, though. i spend most of my time on the bus, at work, or in classes. i no longer drive around singing at the top of my lungs. i left my ipod at home for months.

then pandora happened. it is waking me up again. i forget how much music connects me with my own emotions. sounds and lyrics push my emotions forward and make me deal with them. sometimes i feel a little manipulated by music, but mostly i think it's healthy. i spend too much time pushing down my emotions, even these days when i'm so much healthier and happier than i've ever been.

i love the concept of pandora. i've never been good at picking my own music. i just know there are certain sounds that speak to me. pandora helps me find more of those sounds. it's music fused with an almost scientific organization system. i love it. it intrigues me and introduces me to new music and lets me guide it in the direction i'm feeling.

so... that's the plan. listen to music. write. be a more balanced person.

wish me luck :)